I'm going to have to. I just can't keep putting myself out there anymore. For everything that I went through in 2009, all the less than stellar men that I met (not even dated, these are just people that I talked to), I wasn't going to look for that special someone anymore.
I was going to focus on myself- take my GRE, start looking at grad schools, get my passport, travel, basically reconnect with who I am as a person. I basically ignored that person all last year, running all over the country, spending time with people who weren't good for me, getting my heart smashed into a million little pieces, and losing friends.
This year was going to be different. I'm taking care of myself- mentally, emotionally, physically. And then the Greek god came into my life. I really have nothing else to call him, except that he's Greek and he's wonderful. At least I thought so.
After talking to him on the phone only once, we made plans to go out. Most of the time I drag my feet on meeting in person (as experience has taught me that it wasn't worth it), but this time I knew something was different. From our conversations over the phone, I suspected he was something special. Perhaps good for me, and I good for him. No, I wasn't going to start hearing wedding bells (I swear), but there are some things I've learned over the past year when it comes to the right person which I have to listen to. There are many, many things about him which I think are pretty fabulous.
But I could be wrong. I usually am, as the past has taught me.
We had a great first date. Fantastic. No first date sex, although a little groping happened. Hell, I'm in my 30's. I have needs. Nothing too crazy.
Second date, hanging out playing video games. Some of the most fun I've had in ages. Again, no sex, marginal groping.
Third date...I didn't know if sex was going to happen. I didn't want it to, because I really liked this guy and wanted to wait. And then he tells me that he's scared of sex. What the fizzle? Date 1 and Date 2, I'm concerned that I'm going to have to tell him no because he was into me. And then he tells me that because of the gift, sex scares him. Is that possible? Is that his way of telling me that he's just not that into me?
I really don't know, but I think I'm going to have to walk away from this one, no matter how much fun we have. I can't, won't, absolutely refuse to get hurt again.
Oh wait, I'm already hurting.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
And now for something completely different
Wow, it's been awhile. 2009 has come to a close, and 2010 has been ushered in. It's been a couple days over a year since I had my first outbreak. If the first year is the worst (physically and hopefully emotionally), I have nowhere to go but up.
Unfortunately, the first few hours of 2010 are not the best representation of how I want this year to go.
To ring in the new year, I decided to go to my (relatively small) hometown to hang out with some friends I hadn't seen in years. I also ran into a guy who I had a crush on in high school (actually, I was hoping to run into him as I heard he hangs out at the bar I was going to that night), and we got to talking. Lots of talking. He looked great (according to me), I looked great (according to him), and we kissed at midnight. There was even talk of him coming to visit me (little did I know how drunk he was at the time).
Because he was extremely drunk, he faded shortly after midnight. Since I was able to, I offered to drive him home. We wanted to talk more, so I went in (don't judge, I KNEW we weren't going to be doing the horizontal mambo). He REALLY wasn't feeling good, and ended up vomiting. Hot, I know. He did want some cuddles (he really is adorable, and always has been), so I laid down with him for awhile. He knew he wasn't feeling good, and wanted cuddles, but also suggested getting together the following day to really hang out.
Whoops, he didn't just want cuddles, he wanted more. Of course, I wasn't ready to tell him my secret just yet (because I'm sorry, you HAVE to if you want to sleep with someone), but I didn't want to leave because I figured it was the alcohol talking. I really had it in my head that he was a good guy.
Somehow we got to talking about life and sex, and he point-blank asked me if I had herpes. Because I always had a crush on him, and did care about him (and hoped we could start something), I couldn't lie. Wouldn't lie.
He was taken aback at first. I asked him if he had ever met anyone with it, and he said no. I pointed out that it was most likely that someone had never told him before. He didn't freak out right that second, and asked good questions. He said that he wanted to do some "research," which I took as a sign that he wanted to see me again, but needed to adjust to the situation. I left that night, but asked him if he still wanted to hang out the next day. He said yes, and then said he'd call me or I could call him.
I called him. He didn't answer (he may have actually silenced the phone before all the rings went through). I left a message. He didn't call me back. He left for a vacation out of the country the next day.
What does this teach me? Yes, telling someone is hard. Although I thought that he'd be different, it just reiterates that I don't want him in my life. It still hurts, but I'll survive.
I promise.
Unfortunately, the first few hours of 2010 are not the best representation of how I want this year to go.
To ring in the new year, I decided to go to my (relatively small) hometown to hang out with some friends I hadn't seen in years. I also ran into a guy who I had a crush on in high school (actually, I was hoping to run into him as I heard he hangs out at the bar I was going to that night), and we got to talking. Lots of talking. He looked great (according to me), I looked great (according to him), and we kissed at midnight. There was even talk of him coming to visit me (little did I know how drunk he was at the time).
Because he was extremely drunk, he faded shortly after midnight. Since I was able to, I offered to drive him home. We wanted to talk more, so I went in (don't judge, I KNEW we weren't going to be doing the horizontal mambo). He REALLY wasn't feeling good, and ended up vomiting. Hot, I know. He did want some cuddles (he really is adorable, and always has been), so I laid down with him for awhile. He knew he wasn't feeling good, and wanted cuddles, but also suggested getting together the following day to really hang out.
Whoops, he didn't just want cuddles, he wanted more. Of course, I wasn't ready to tell him my secret just yet (because I'm sorry, you HAVE to if you want to sleep with someone), but I didn't want to leave because I figured it was the alcohol talking. I really had it in my head that he was a good guy.
Somehow we got to talking about life and sex, and he point-blank asked me if I had herpes. Because I always had a crush on him, and did care about him (and hoped we could start something), I couldn't lie. Wouldn't lie.
He was taken aback at first. I asked him if he had ever met anyone with it, and he said no. I pointed out that it was most likely that someone had never told him before. He didn't freak out right that second, and asked good questions. He said that he wanted to do some "research," which I took as a sign that he wanted to see me again, but needed to adjust to the situation. I left that night, but asked him if he still wanted to hang out the next day. He said yes, and then said he'd call me or I could call him.
I called him. He didn't answer (he may have actually silenced the phone before all the rings went through). I left a message. He didn't call me back. He left for a vacation out of the country the next day.
What does this teach me? Yes, telling someone is hard. Although I thought that he'd be different, it just reiterates that I don't want him in my life. It still hurts, but I'll survive.
I promise.
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