Ugly Duckling...Swan...Coot...Phoenix?

When I first received the diagnosis, one of the hardest things that took a hit was my sense of how attractive I was to others. I remember being at the gym, working out, and wondering why I bothered to work out when I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, tainted and unlovable.

I wasn't always pretty. Actually, I don't really consider myself to be pretty- all I ever hear is how "sexy" I am, but never that I'm "pretty," or "cute" or anything like that. It was even worse when I was an awkward, skinny teen with braces and bad hair. And then I hit my 20's, got some marginal curves, and worked it like I owned it. The fellas seemed to like me just fine, although I doubt it was for my sparkling personality and stunning intellect. While I didn't think I was a supermodel, I knew I wasn't completely tragic.

Now I'm not so sure. I still wonder why the hell I'm bothering to keep myself in shape, as I'm not feeling very attractive. I actually cry every day in fear that I'm going to wind up alone. The only thing that keeps me going with my exercise program is the fact that exercise helps stress, and stress is an H trigger.

I'm still waiting for the moment when it will get easier, and I'll be lovable again. I don't believe it. At all.

Sorry it's been awhile

But as no one probably reads this, I'm not that worried about it. What have I been doing that's kept me so busy? Well, dating. It seems that my love life is busier with the herp than it was without, and I don't know if that's because I'm a lot more guarded than I was (therefore ultimately more attractive because bitch = hot), or just because I'm dating people with it.

Recently, I've been meeting more and more civilians (for those of you not "in the know," those are people who have not been blessed with the gift...that they know of), which brings up the uncomfortable situation of having to tell them if you want to date them. I'm not going to be like some of the giftees out there who don't tell anyone, like my friend R who thinks she's cured. I just can't do that to someone. Nobody told me.

Since it seems like I can't get the secret handshake off the ground, what I've decided to do is have business cards made up. Not with my name or anything, and it's not like I'm going to be dropping said business cards in a fishbowl for a free lunch, but basically I want it to go like this:

"Hi. I have herpes. This may freak you out, but it's not as big of a deal as some make it out to be. It happened, and it could happen to anyone. Instead of looking on the internet and finding some not nice pictures, I would suggest you go to {insert best herp website here} for all your questions. Or you can just ask me, because I learned more than I ever wanted to know. I'm telling you this because I care about you as a person, and want to continue to spend time with you. If you want to be an asshole about it, throw away this card. If you are an intelligent and understanding human being, I'd like to continue seeing you. Have a nice day."

Granted, that may be more than what would fit on a business card, and as my mother says, a little impersonal, but wouldn't it be easier? Just do a drive-by, and not have to sit there for their reaction?

I am still learning about this whole civilian thing, and I'm hoping it gets easier. Right now it is the suck.